Yeah, this is why I don't read inspirational blogs - part 1

Generally my recipe for happiness as a parent includes 'Don't read mommy blogs, don't read inspirational crap about how to improve your life, and definitely don't ever go on any parenting forum, ever.' It works really well. Except I forgot that for a while, and when I saw a blog link that looked like inspirational feel-good mom stuff, I took the bait. A couple weeks ago I read a blog that I shared a couple posts from. It was stuff I agreed with - that family should come first, that it's important not to ignore your kids to stay glued to screens (give me a break, one's napping and we'll get to the other one in a sec), that you need to cherish spending time with them, you know - general feel-good stuff that everybody can get behind.

The problem is, I forgot why I don't read stuff like that in the first place. For the past couple weeks I've been in a panic that I must not be spending enough time with my kids, or talking to my daughter enough, and that every. waking. second. needs to be spent bothering them or looking at them or talking to them or being up their butt one way or another, because someday I'm going to die and regret every single moment I didn't spend annoying my kids. That was seriously what, in the long term, I took away from reading that blog. Was it the blogger's intent? No way. Do I think she probably helped a lot of people regain focus in their lives? Sure! But for me, it was just a gigantic stress - at a time I'm currently dealing with excess anxiety (no real reason, just happens from time to time) it wasn't a good idea because I fixated on everything I don't do instead of the things I do. I spent all this time thinking about how I'm going to have a life full of regret because no matter what I do, it won't be Enough Time With The Kids.

Alternatively, if I didn't raise clingy brats, this is probably what our relationship would have turned into.

Yeah, that's all a load of bullshit, isn't it? I know better, and you know I know better. I don't know why it took hold like that. Probably because with a 5 month old in the house, it feels like time speeds by because so much happens so fast in that first year of life. I was definitely not in an emotional state to be told I'm going to just miss everything - because somebody who had a totally different experience than me and is ridden with guilt over it missed a lot.

So, now I have to tell myself, and re-learn the exact opposite of her point: It's okay to ignore the kids now and then. It's okay to get frustrated, to get angry, to get upset. It's part of the experience of life, part of being human. It's okay to be annoyed if Alan decides that teething is so awful he wants to party all night instead of sleeping so I can get some kid-free time. There's no reason to feel guilty about doing things for myself - including letting Claire watch a half hour of TV while her brother sleeps and I write this entry. She's not going to feel unimportant or neglected or ignored. If she comes over here and wants to talk to me, we can talk a little bit. If she has a question or something important to say, I can listen or - shock - ask her to wait just a minute til I can give her my full attention. To do anything else would be bad for her. I can't always drop everything just to talk - nobody can. That's not real life. Of course she's important, but what sort of kid would I raise if the world stopped every single time they wanted to be the center of attention? Kind of a little shit, I'd imagine.

I've always taken pride in the fact that I don't helicopter. I let Claire free-range at her weekly open play at the local community center (much to the disdain of other moms) without interfering in her interactions with other kids (unless she's making someone cry - well, cry a lot). I let her go about her own business at the park. I make sure she has time to herself every day to do what she wants, or think about stuff, or be left alone or even just watch TV without being bothered. Because of the SPD she's not always really into cuddling or being talked to or anything else. I can't frame my relationship with her the way most people can with their kids. I don't think she feels neglected, either - or unimportant. I don't think she'll grow up and remember the times I told her to wait or hold on or hush. I don't think making a phone call instead of talking to her is going to end her world. I think she'll remember the stuff we did do, the conversations we did have, and the little thing I was inspired to start doing after reading The Help - every night before bed, I tell her, "You are very smart. You are very pretty. You are very special." It sticks, and she loves the routine.

Anyway, I think that's what she'll remember. The good stuff. At least, mostly good stuff. Nobody has 100% good memories, everybody remembers getting in trouble or whatever, but it's mostly good here and that's what I think they'll remember.

Part 2 will be about the reflection this made me do on my relationship with my own mother.